He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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