Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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