YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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