Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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