what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
