Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
