actually, I'm a sock model
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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