you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
