Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
