At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
