Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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