You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
