Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
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His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize