I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
