Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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