The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
