Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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