I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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