you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
