how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
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I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
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My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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