I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
