Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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