you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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