dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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