I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
