You smell like stripper and shame
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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