Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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