I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
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Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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