Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
