Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
