How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
