woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
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I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
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CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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