I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
