i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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