Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He did a backflip because drugs
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