hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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