i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
