respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
