so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
