The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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