I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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