Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
