Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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