so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
