someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
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Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
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Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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