I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
