just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I bet he comes in French.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
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Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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