I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
