At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
