She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I made him laugh his dick is mine
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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