I want to make a zoo with you.
babies were throwing up all over the place
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
