she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
