Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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