did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
