Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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