Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
